Empathy

Ending a relationship is a traumatic, painful and difficult process especially for one which may have lasted many years and included at some time a great deal of happiness, love and mutual history.

The loss of a partner is a grief that is charged with all sorts of mixed and highly stressful emotions. It may well be that you did not want the relationship to end or thought everything was ok and now you feel cheated, deceived, confused, let down and scared as a result of the relationship break down. Feelings of jealousy and anger, along with having to cope with the emotions and feelings of children and other family members and friends, make the healing process very difficult. Worries about the practical difficulties following a relationship breakdown cause further stress.

If you have instigated a break in a relationship there can be a feeling of grief and sadness for the loss of a partner about whom you now feel very differently from the way you felt at the beginning of the relationship. Again there are the feelings of guilt, worries about the future, practical difficulties, as well as having to deal with the emotions and feelings of children and other family members. Friends you thought would support you may seem to be taking sides and appear disloyal.

Both parties to the relationship may have unanswered questions about the cause of the breakdown but each may have to learn to accept they may never know ‘why’, although the former partner who could answer is nearby or within easy contact.

If you have children your partner may remain a part of your life; learning to negotiate this changed relationship can be distressing and difficult.

You may believe that the breakdown is only temporary and that your partner may come back. If it is hard to accept the loss, you may find yourself trying to deny the reality of what has happened, acting out of character and in ways of which you are not proud.

For long time you may feel tired, lethargic, unable to make decisions, strained and physically run down. It may be difficult to eat or sleep. Grief is time-consuming and exhausting.

You may feel times of despair and depression. You may lose interest in many things you would normally enjoy doing, especially if these were previously shared with a partner. A loss of a partner may make you feel alone and give a sense of pointlessness about your day-to-day life. All these feelings are natural.

Try not to hide feelings of guilt, panic or anger; try to share them with a sympathetic listener. Well-meaning friends may feel that after a few weeks you will be ‘back to normal’. This is impossible. Others may be afraid to speak to you and avoid you. You may have to make the first move. Let them know you need their support, comfort and their friendship.

It is tempting to think that if you change your environment you will feel better. In some cases, circumstances make this inevitable. Dealing with this, and perhaps being forced to make big decisions about your life too soon should generally be avoided but if they cannot, the stresses can be very high. Attempting to form another relationship too soon may also be problematic.

At first your grief will be with you wherever you are. Kind friends will want to distract you and ‘cheer you up’. But you will also need times of quiet and stillness to be able to grieve. It is very tiring to be constantly pulled away from your true feelings and unless you do have time and space in which to feel your sadness, your journey of grief will be harder. Sometimes you will feel it is like snakes and ladders; there will be better days then something unexpected will happen to send you to the bottom again.

You may never put aside the memories and influence of a person whom you love or once loved, or who loved you.

Your grieving and feelings are individual to you. It will take as long as it takes. It is important to allow yourself to grieve and also to take a break from grieving and the other emotional feelings and eventually put them aside even though a sorrow may remain.

Eventually the pain will ease, the better memories will become more comforting and the sad memories less traumatic which will help you to learn from any past mistakes. When you are ready to remake your life and take up old or new pursuits you will feel glad. It is all right to enjoy yourself again.